In the portion of Vayishlach, we are given a powerful model for handling confrontation—one that’s especially relevant to our lives today. Conflict often brings discomfort, and many people will do anything to avoid it. Have you noticed this? In our time, so many people go to great lengths to dodge confrontation, which only leads to resentment and fear. Deep down, we know that avoiding conflict isn’t an honest way to live. The truth is that the more we try to ignore what troubles us, the more it torments us. Action is needed.

Jacob understood this, which is why in this portion, he made the bold decision to reach out to his brother Esav. From our perspective, this decision seems baffling. After all, we know that Esav had once wanted to kill Jacob, and they hadn’t spoken for years. So why would Jacob invite such negativity into his life? The answer is simple: the negativity was always there. Jacob chose to confront it head-on. We must learn to do the same.

At the time, their father was still alive. Jacob understood that it was best to resolve their animosity before their father passed away. So, he made the decision to bring his brother back into his life, sending an angel as a messenger to inform Esav of Jacob’s circumstances. The angel shared details about Jacob’s life: how he had spent many years with Lavan, and that he had amassed incredible wealth. Lavan, notorious for his evil ways, was the grandfather of a dangerous man who could kill with a thought. This carefully selected information was meant to intimidate Esav.

And to some extent, it worked. Upon hearing this news, Esav began to doubt his previous intentions and feared his brother. Jacob’s strategy leveled the playing field. Although Jacob was naturally terrified of Esav, by sharing this information, he made Esav feel a similar fear. Soon, Jacob learned that Esav was on his way with 400 men—a terrifying prospect. So, Jacob divided his camp, reasoning that if one group were attacked, the other might survive.

Then Jacob turned inward. He prayed, begged God for protection, showed humility, and thanked Him for His blessings. While others might have prepared weapons, Jacob withdrew into himself to find strength in the Divine. When Esav finally arrived, Jacob did something unimaginable: he bowed to him seven times, and then he embraced and kissed him. Can you imagine this? Showing such respect and affection to someone who had once wanted to kill you? Hugging and kissing your enemy? It’s an unfathomable act, yet it was exactly the right thing for Jacob to do. His first impulse might have been to strike, but by showing love, he unlocked love in Esav’s heart.

Jacob handled conflict in the best possible way. First, he timed the confrontation well, choosing to meet while their father was still alive. He also ensured an equal footing by managing the dynamics of fear. And when the moment of confrontation arrived, he showed love and respect for his enemy, which disarmed Esav’s anger. In contrast, we see the mistakes of Jacob’s sons, Simeon and Levi. When their sister Dinah was raped, they sought violent revenge. Their actions led to bloodshed and drew the wrath of the surrounding nations. Jacob rejected their violent response because he knew this was not the way to handle confrontation.

While our situation may differ from Jacob’s—we’re not facing a literal killer on the road—we too can be hunted by our own demons. Will we run from them, or will we look them in the eye? Can we confront our fears, embrace them, and even love them? Society often tells us to avoid difficult encounters, but that path leads nowhere. To live authentically, with genuine relationships that nourish our souls, we must have the courage to confront what challenges us. And that includes not only confronting others but also confronting ourselves.

Consider Jacob’s display of love for Esav. We too should learn to respect our "enemies." Why? Because they are, in essence, messengers. They come into our lives with a clear and important purpose: to teach us the lessons we need to learn. They are not the source of our problems—the real source lies within ourselves. Why be angry at someone who humiliates you when, in reality, it is your own actions that are the root of your shame? From this perspective, the people we encounter are not the cause of our despair; they are simply reflections of our own shortcomings, showing us what we need to work on. They are to be welcomed, not avoided.

Accepting our own responsibility in conflicts may seem unappealing at first, but it can be incredibly liberating once fully understood. Think about it: when we realize that the source of our problems lies within, we also discover that the solutions lie within. We can help ourselves! Someone who constantly blames others for their misfortune ends up depending on their "enemy" to resolve it, which is a position of powerlessness. This victim mentality keeps us stuck and blocks our potential.

Esav had a victim mentality. Jacob did not. He could have chosen to live in denial, pretending the threat from his brother didn’t exist. But instead, he faced it directly, knowing that whatever he avoided would inevitably find him. Jacob’s example forces us to ask ourselves some tough questions as spiritual people: What are our enemies trying to teach us about ourselves? Are we ready to stop blaming them and, instead, embrace them? Are we ready to stop running from the truth about ourselves?

This is the deep reflection that the portion of Vayishlach invites us to undertake.